Two weeks after your gone. Haven’t talked to you in 226 hours. But who’s counting. I had so many strong and good days and today and tonight is really hurting me. I miss you I love you. Why do I though. Who do I miss? The thought of you or the person I fell in love with years ago or the narcissistic drug addict version of you? I’m so lost. I can’t believe the way you have made me become and I can’t even be mad cause we’ll I allowed it. Before you I was so confident so strong and so brave didn’t take anyones shit. The shit I dealt with from you I’m like what happened to the girl I was. I hope ava will be that girl and not lose it to some dead beat guy. It is so hard seeing her grow up and worry bout the things young girls worry with. But you wouldn’t know cause you never stick around long enough to learn anything. Two weeks since you’ve been gone and I feel like I’m going off the deep end.

Since I’m trying not to speak to you this is the best route I could think of. I’m so angry at you right now. I know it’s wrong to love you. I’ve finally learned after 15 years that your a manipulative narcissistic drug addict that probably didn’t even ever love me just used me. Is that why it’s so easy for you to act like I never existed? Is that why you can just go on about life like you don’t have a wife and daughter at home? Is it really possible for you to have never loved me? It’s so hard for me to believe that I loved a man for 15 years for someone to tell me you didn’t love me because you are incapable of loving anyone but yourself. That the person I seen was not even really you! Like my mind hurts my heart hurts. You claim I allow people to put you down but I don’t. And I definitely never tell our daughter anything bad she literally comes up with everything on her own. She knows by now what you act and look like when your messing up. But I tell her no matter what her daddy loves her. Because I don’t want her to feel like she’s not worthy enough for your love. Why wasn’t we enough? How can you claim you love us and want us but everytime you get us handed to you on a silver platter you run off to get high or steal or get drunk or better yet cheat on me. How can you claim you love me and yet allow your entire family to put me down?? Especially since I’ve been a dang good wife and I’ve tried my hardest to be the best mom I could be considering you’ve left me to do it on my own since day 1. I’m so angry at you for not loving me. I’m so angry at you for sucking me in time and time again to believe all the lies. I’m so angry at myself for believing you loved me and you would be the man I knew you could be. I’m so angry at us both for giving our daughter a broken home. I’m broken. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I will always love you but I wish I didn’t!

Today is day 6 since I left him mornings are hard nights are hard. I love him I miss him I question am I doing the right thing constantly maybe I was over reacting maybe if I take him back now he’ll be great maybe it’ll change. but we all know that’s not true. After being with someone for 15 years constantly back and fourth I usually leave when I get tired of the lies stealing and fussing. This time I made him leave after a few slip ups lord and cheating and I sit here and say we’ll he wasn’t stealing so maybe it was a chance. It’s literally a constant battle between me and myself daily. Will I make it will I stay strong this time to fully let go. He claims I’m living my best life now when in reality I feel like I’m in a dark pit and can’t get out. How do I heal how do I fully let go or the man I love. Laying in bed can’t get comfortable just so badly want to roll over and feel him laying next to you. Instead you roll over to nothing nothing at all. Moments like these you have remind yourself that you would’ve been rolling over to nothing regardless. That it was only going to get worse once again. The addiction was dragging him back in and only matter of time you would’ve been rolling over to emptiness anyways.

Outside looking in it’s like why on earth would anyone ever try to be in a relationship with an addict. We’ll it’s pretty simple especially if you know the person when they aren’t on drugs. The more you think about it though after everything you question who really is that person you fell in love with. Did you fall in love with the person or the person they pretended to be. Before you know it you’ve been in love with this man for 15 years of your life and you have given him and this marriage your all literally your all. Then next thing you know a lot of speed bumps, rehabs, jail, prison, separation and your here 15 years later trying one more time to make it work. Next thing you know it’s been 72 hours without seeing or hearing from them; your use to the drugs and him going missing over night but not 72 hours and nothing at all. This time is different you begin to worry something bad happened you usually have some sort of way to find them but after so many years they learn your tricks so your stuck sitting here just praying everything is okay. You start beating yourself up because you was so angry before and now your questioning was it okay to be angry what if something bad happened to them. But then you get into their email and you find out they have been down the road from you this entire time hopping from motel to motel and on random websites posting naked pictures to find random women to hook up with. Shattering your heart thinking to yourself why not me why am I not good enough to be with when in reality it’s the drugs and them unhappy with themselves it has nothing to do with you. Anywho you get a fake number message him acting like your a girl named Allison and you got his info from a website well next thing you know he’s wanting to meet up with you at a hotel all while he’s still ignoring his wife and daughters texts and phone calls. So here I am waiting at a hotel praying he don’t show up. And just when you was beginning to think maybe he couldn’t go through with it. He pulls in. Your heart shatters into a million pieces and then your filled with rage you pull in behind him get out get your car keys from him and he’s shocked to see you. Right then and there your staring at a man you’ve loved for 15 years and he has zero emotion in his eyes nothing there at all. Not until you leave he starts begging you to not leave him but then he messages another female to ask her to come get him. So must not have bothered him to bad to see how hurt his wife was. Once again outside looking in why on earth would you be with someone like this. I ask myself this question every single day. This time I made him leave. This time I pray I stay away. This time I pray I heal and never look bad. Until then I will come to this page and express my feelings wether it be past memories, present memories or hopeful moments.